Just today, I have written and either deleted or redacted four different posts at various forums. I'm not interested in being challenged for my opinions, or for mouthing off, or for whatever. I am officially too old to be getting sand thrown in my face, or trying to mop up because I made someone feel bad or cry. Fuck you, butch-up.
Jesus Christ, I'm even doing it here in this post, and I've offed the comments just for the sake of that same ... fear, if you will.
Does it mean I'm a coward and have become uncertain about my own credibility or opinion? I guess it does. I am almost constantly on the "wrong" side of an issue or my opinions have holes in them which people way smarter than me are arrogantly gleeful to exploit -- and there are hundreds of thousands of you. I know people wouldn't come at me in real life the way they do at online forums. I don't know what in particular it is about my tone that gets people so upset, but I really hate being in this place where I have to constantly second-guess what I say in some of these places. Why is that fair? I mean, I'm willing to own my statements, but when someone comes at me howling, "STFU, IDIOT," or whatever, it just makes me feel stupid and petty, and I have very rarely gone after people in the same fashion -- at least anyone who didn't deserve it, who's usually a media icon, and I don't know why anyone would surgically defend against some offhand statement, no matter how offensive or off the wall, and most especially if it wasn't directed at any particular forum member.
What is up with that?
And you know, nothing recently has happened -- well, this week, anyhow -- but that's because I keep biting my virtual tongue and staying the fuck out of it.
I suppose one might argue that apprehension is an aspect of wisdom.
But then why do I feel so sick?
Oh yeah ... I know. Because I was hanging in out here, thinking there was some value to this self-promotion while people made promises they refuse to keep, and that having some sort of public presence would help me to move that chap book, and having that out there was going to help for ******* to buy my book, and here I am still complaining about it over a year later, while everything I try to put down on paper looks like crap.
There's no purpose to me anymore, I'm just Jimmy Urine's Brother.
Maybe I should just be done with it, done with it all from soup to nuts.
